Becoming a Void

I’ve always had the strangest concept in my head that for short periods I want to cease existing. It’s not because of depression, and I’m definitely not having any overwhelming dark thoughts that could make anyone go to a therapist, it’s strange. I never know why I feel like it, it doesn’t necessarily have to be when I’m sad, or mad; it happens just as often when I’m feeling neutral or even happy. It’s like a guest that you never really invited to your house party, but you let stay for whatever reason and they continue to show up uninvited to social gatherings and family birthday’s. The problem is that they aren’t a bother or a loud an obnoxious person so you let them stay every time instead of asking them politely to leave. 

It’s not like I want to end my life permanently, nor is it a cry for help or medical attention. It’s more of a ponder- a thought- that I always come back to for whatever reason. And boy do I go back to it: I can think about it for hours while multitasking, just imagining the possibility of non-existence. And it captivates me every time, I always imagine what it must be like to just become nothing, 

I’d like to see how it feels to just sort of float in some sort of void, without any interaction except for your own thoughts, but I think about the fact that if stay by myself too long I start to get anxious and I get discouraged from ever having like zone out sessions. I think that maybe I should meditate, but it wouldn’t be the same since I’d still be attached to a physical body rather than becoming nothing- only my mind would become clear, not my entire body.

I wonder if anyone ever feels the same.


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